Dreams Amongst The Stars

I had a pretty vivid dream a while back… This is what I remember…

I remember being on a spaceship, I’m not sure how I got there or who’s ship it was. I was there and I wasn’t alone. There was another person with me and for some strange reason I knew that person wasn’t good. I had to stop them (I say them because I do not remember the gender or even the species of that person) at all costs. I directed the spaceship into an asteroid field, where the razor sharp rocks shredded the ship.

After an explosion I was sent into space, there was an overwhelming feeling that I was going to die and I was ok with that. I could see the person sitting at the control, desperately trying to salvage the situation. Somehow I knew that person’s attempts would be in vain. I looked away as I was beginning to suffocate and I saw the spiral arm of the galaxy. A brilliance of purple and blue was shinning thru my final moments as I could only think about the beauty of it. As my blood began to boil from the lack of a pressurized atmosphere I awoke safely tucked in my bed.

All that had me thinking about the wonders of the universe and even the wonders of the human mind. There is so much that we don’t know, so much we can’t understand. The vastness of the universe and the near impossibilities we face to explore it. Without a doubt I know that it’s our duty, our responsibility to see everything that the universe has to offer.

I’m amazed at the human mind, its ability to drown my consciousness and make me believe I’m somewhere in space. The fan blowing on my face while I slept seemed to be nonexistent as I steered the spaceship to it’s end. My reality became my dream and my mind constructed the stage for it. It’s truly an amazing thing. So if you take anything away from this, I hope it’s that the universe is full of wonder. Take time to let it all in, breathe and appreciate that we’re all here…. We’re all alive.

Sifting Through The Ashes

A Poem:

A Mirage, An Illusion The Delirium You Have Caught

Need replacement for fire,
Someone to free you from desire.
She Wasn’t the person you thought.
A mirage, an illusion the delirium you have caught.
She wore a mask of lies,
you bought it all, I’m amazed you’re surprised.
She was most real when it came to being fake.
You made a mistake and gave her your heart to break
All your pain is healing,
As her mask begins to crack, its so revealing.

You’re left with questions as she parts,
was anything, a single second of it all from the heart?
were there times when she meant it
or was it all a fantasy, and you dreamt it.
Did she stay true and did she ever lie to you?
But you know… because of everything she put you through.
You must have been a game to her
the person you are, its a shame you had to learn.
The most painful lesson that can be taught
It was all just a mirage, an illusion the delirium that… I… have caught…

END

I wrote that poem almost 9 months ago, it’s strange it feels longer than that. I was in a bad place, heart broken and I felt deceived.

This of course was a failed relationship, a majority of it due to her part and my naivety. I always thought love was supposed to be a certain way and I guess sometimes it is. But in this case, it wasn’t. She lied and broke me, drained me of everything I was and the worst part is… I let her.

I think one of the true beautiful things about love is that you overlook the imperfections. You tell yourself, you love every bit of this person and you accept them for their flaws. After all, we all have our own flaws. That’s what this poem was about, being lost in the doubts of love. At the time it was a way to vent and I see now that I actually knew what would happen to us and went for it anyways.

I think you should always take a chance for love, if you feel it, make that leap. Sometimes you get hurt and other times it works out. You can’t let that fear of failure make you jaded, or let it make you settle for less than what you feel you deserve.

In these last 9 months I’ve let at least 3 relationship opportunities pass me by because I was too scared to open up. Too scared to let my guard down and let anyone in. It’s become a self-defense mechanism to run away from anyone who is interested in me. Don’t become that, fight those feelings and go for it. I’d like to think the right person is out there, someone so awesome they’ll get behind your walls without you even knowing it.

But, if I’ve learned anything about my failed relationships it’s always be honest with yourself. If a person has a HUGE character flaw that you KNOW will hurt you one day. Don’t overlook that, don’t settle for less. I do believe love is out there, but you certainly won’t find it sifting through the ashes. Keep your eyes and your heart open.

In Which Brothers Band

I suppose there’s a moment in everyone’s life where they take a step back and wonder where they are headed. Everyone think’s: What am I doing? Why am I working a job that I hate? Where will I be in 5, maybe even 10 years? I don’t pretend to have any of the right answers on this subject but, perhaps I can offer a perspective from my little redneck city of the world.

 

Ever since I was a kid my brothers and I have been very close. We did almost everything together. Played video games, made silly videos with our parents ENORMOUS VHS camcorder and even played with toys together. Often crafting silly and hilarious stories together. As time passed many things changed, we became interested in girls, we put away the silly toys but, pretty much kept doing the other things. My brothers developed a seemingly harmless habit, that over time has had it’s effects on them. Moderation often being the problem.

 

I’m not writing this to bash them either so, moving on… We were always creative, funny and had great tastes in the things we liked. Easily able to pick out things that were done incorrectly, critiquing everything we came in contact with. Fast forward ten to fifteen years and where are we now? 2/3 of us work at jobs we hate, and all three of us unhappy with the direction our lives are headed. Despite our soul crushing jobs we still have that spark, our creativity, our drive to be something special. We tried once before in life to do the YouTube thing, and the sad part is it was working. However no one was getting paid so we all gave up.

 

I tried pursuing YouTube by myself and managed to get our old channel into YouTube Partnership. But taking 100% of the burden AND working 48 hours a week at a soul crushing job has been taxing to say the least. So where does that leave us? Can one person really juggle a job, being a single Dad AND doing 100% of the work on YouTube? It turns out… I can’t do it alone. Not unless I gave up on other aspects of my life and just chased that dream. Which I was fully prepared to do, I had planned on moving to California early next year and just going for it, finally learning to make a few mistakes.

 

Late last night I was spending time with my brothers and we eventually started talking about how we have such wasted potential. We came to the conclusion that one person working for a fantastical dream is unlikely… BUT, 3 people working towards that same goal seems promising. Every one of us wanting to do something creative with our lives and regretting giving up on Ghost Nova (Our YouTube Channel) the first time. So we plan on banding together and using our creative awesomeness to push forward! If you’re chasing a dream, you don’t have to do it alone. There are people everywhere who want to do something special. You just have to make sure you FORCE things to happen. Often you’ll run into people who are just a lot of talk and they NEVER follow up with what they say they’ll do. DO NOT let those people discourage you!!! If you want something and you feel completely alone in trying to achieve it, keep pushing forward. Eventually you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who want it too.

 

Now we’ve come to this conclusion before that we should band together to achieve something, however the difference now is… We’ve tasted bitter failure, the stale, stagnant life of NOT chasing what we want. If all else fails I’ll find myself surrounded by people who want this too, only I’ll be in California. Keep chasing your dreams.

 

T

A Girl Named Sarah

I believe I’m as independent as they come; I prefer to do most things alone. I go to the movies by myself, I eat dinner by myself and I go home and do most of my favorite things by myself. (making videos, writing, watching Netflix, etc…) However I desire a companion, someone to love. Of course I’m not expecting to find it right away, I first want a NORMAL healthy relationship. Which I think is a basic desire for most people. So I guess the obvious question is… What’s my problem?

I’m a very logical person, I like to trace problems I have to the earliest memories I have of similar incidents. It was middle school in a small city named Vila Rica in Georgia. I was probably just hitting puberty or at least just realizing that girls weren’t completely “icky.” It was around this time that I had my first crush, her name was Sarah M.

Sarah barely noticed me, I was the shy dorky kid who sat in the back of the class. I also always wore a horrible red jacket that I felt I needed to wear, because my arms were “chicken leg skinny” at least that’s what I was told by the boys in my class. Anyways, I was always the proverbial fly on the wall with Sarah, when she talked all I could do was listen, never speak. I’d of course get the occasional strange glance from her whenever she would say something funny and I would awkwardly laugh. Being three desks back is an obvious “you’re not part of this conversation” indicator.

Some time passed and I eventually began to shed my shyness and that horrible red jacket. I was now considered an acquaintance!! Allowed to randomly comment on her conversations! Feeling honored and accomplished, I now had the courage to ask her to the dance that was just a week away. Just before I could form the words in my head the teacher said two words, two tiny little words that unraveled my world “transfer student.”

His name was J.T. and at that moment I would cease to exist, at least in the eyes of EVERY girl in my class. J.T. Had something I didn’t and I could never figure it out. I would stare in the mirror and wonder what was different. My girly haired mullet was fashionable at the time or at least I thought it was. Within a day or two Sarah had actually asked J.T. To the dance. I was shocked, I was sad and a little heart broken, as much as one could be heart broken in the 5th grade I guess. This guys manly bravado was so thick in the air it commanded her to ask him to the dance. So I could only watch as they danced, if I were a meme, you could imagine me as “forever alone” leaning against the wall watching in sadness.

It wasn’t all bad though, there was a moment when J.T. had to go and it was the last song. I made my way over to Sarah and asked her for the last dance and she said yes. Only then did I think, “HOLY CRAP I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DANCE!!!” luckily it was a slow song and once I placed my hands on her waist it was almost as if it was genetic but, I knew what to do. (thanks Dad)

So what did I draw from this memory? J.T. was unfortunately cool, confident and witty. He wasn’t afraid of a girl calling him ugly and certainly wasn’t afraid of being shot down either. When a girl would speak to him he would maintain eye contact and always make them laugh. I learned most of all that you have to be confident and to go for what you want despite fear of failure. There is no greater regret then to wish things were different. So I learned to go for it, I guess most of all, I learned to never again have a girly haired mullet.

A Message To My 15 Year Old Self

What the EFF is going on internet??? Terry Wingate Here with another Saturday Blog. Today I’m writing a message to me, the me that lives in the year 2000. So here goes:

What’s up punk!? You’re probably thinking that you look pretty badass with long hair and a redneck mustache. Also wearing those super baggy Jnco jeans and painting your finger nails black. (Yes, I was THAT kid.) Well, I have some news for you: you look ridiculous! But that’s ok, it’s part of growing up. You’re going to learn A LOT in the coming years . So, this is a message to you and to anyone looking for a different perspective on life.
Looks matter, whether you believe it or not. People will judge you based on how you present yourself. So wear clothes that fit, clothes that say “hey, I’m awesome.” I understand the youthful rebellion thing but, in the long run you’re gonna wanna be a part of society. Instead of that awkward reclusive outcast saying “EFF YOU!!” to the world. Also, girls don’t care for long hair and a mustache, especially not on a 15 year old goth/nerd kid.

Take high school seriously! Graduate and go to college, sometimes the degree they give you is worthless. However the connections you make in college are priceless, sometimes its not what you know it’s WHO you know. Follow your passion though, don’t let anyone tell you what you want to do with your life, EVEN YOUR PARENTS!! They may know what’s best for you at times, but they won’t know what will keep you happy. NEVER GIVE UP ON WHAT YOU WANT!!! I can’t stress that enough, you’re going to be overwhelmed at times, you’re going to think something is just too hard. You’ll make excuses why you can’t do something and then you’ll put it off for another day. But I’ll tell you what happens… 10 years will pass and all you can do is regret giving up. That’s the truth.

About girls… Believe it or not trust your heart. Not the part of your mind that says “I really wanna get laid!” Never lie to yourself, deep down you know if a relationship will work or not. So don’t waste your time on anyone who isn’t worth it. But in all seriousness don’t even try to understand them because in my 26 years they are still another species to me.

People are going to judge you, they’re going to say where you belong and you’re going to believe them. That’s another time where you’ll lie to yourself and keep how you really are hidden from everyone. The truth is though… You can’t hide who you are, you’re a nerdy, dorky, socially awkward, creative genius!!! Though no one will tell you this, but you’ll be a star in everyone’s eyes and they so desperately want to see you succeed. Don’t ever put something off for another day, time is something you can waste but you’ll never ever be able to get back.

The most important thing I can stress to you, is that you have the right to be happy. No matter how impossible you think that might be, you can find it. Don’t settle for a false sense of happiness. Drowning yourself in a hobby, be it anime, music or video games, whatever it may be will only give you shallow happiness. Once the game is over its your life that will kick you in the face. Living in a reality in which you are not content will only breed sadness. Get out, at all costs and be happy.

These are some of the things I wish I was told when I was 15. I’m not saying I had bad parents, I had great parents. I just wish a little more time was spent on self improvement instead of me keeping to myself and worrying what people thought of me. Hope this helps someone.

Terry

To The Frequency Of Narcissism

WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON INTERNET!?!?!? I figured I could be a little narcissistic and talk about me. I’ll talk about some of my interests, inspirations, what I do and what I hope to accomplish. So let’s get cracking!

I’m a story teller, through and through. I remember being a kid, when my brothers and I would play with toys, I would be the one directing. I would always tell the most lengthy and detailed ghost stories on halloween. In the third grade I was writing at the eight grade level; however, my grammar was never on par with that achievement. I love all aspects of telling stories, books, video games, comic books, tv and most of all filmmaking.

Recently writing has become something that I love to do. In the past I enjoyed creating a story but writing it felt tedious. What changed all that is, I began to follow Wil Wheaton on twitter. The child actor turned blogger and internet superstar has influenced me heavily. Simply him writing about life and politics got my words wanting to come out.

As far as filmmaking goes, I’ve always loved movies. I made my first film “Batman vs. Darkman” when I was just 11. I recently wrote about getting inspired by being in a theatre watching the 1989 classic ‘Batman.’ Just seeing all those people watching in awe at something on the big screen had me wanting to do it too. I became infatuated with Steven Spielberg too, I had a biography with me at all times. That, and space, I’m a nerd what can I say? The way Spielberg catches people and has them caring about made up characters is something I’ve always wanted to emulate. One day I hope to be as great, just have to take things one project at a time.

I hope to do so much with my life, everyone has dreams and limitations of course; I’m beginning to understand my own limitations a little. Self-discipline is probably my greatest obstacle. It seems only when I am at work and confined in a small place with no distractions does my mind begin to crank out the creativity. I’m getting better at it though.

Some of the things I hope to accomplish are: make a big budget film, start a news network, get into politics (later in life), create a cartoon series, write some comic books, develop a production company in all areas of entertainment including, music and video games. Also I want to be a permanent blogger and vlogger of my life. I hope to write something every Saturday. Let’s hope I can maintain momentum. Thanks for reading a little about me, here’s hoping I achieve my dreams.

T

The Intricate Web Of Reaction

The Intricate Web Of Reaction

Life is certainly an interesting thing. From the insanely complicated universe to the simplest act of love and kindness. All filled with intricate webs of actions and reactions. A star is born, elements are created then eventually planets and life. That’s not what I’m going to talk about though, I’m writing about decisions we make and what kind of impacts they may cause.

I usually add a story from my childhood related to the topic of the blog but, I’ve realized I have no such story. I mean everyone makes decisions, every minute of everyday we’re deciding what to do and what not to do. However, I can’t say I’ve ever made any significant decision in my life. I’ve always just kind of rode the waves and went with the current. Time though, changes many things. Things that have happened within my life are causing me to finally make a decision that I’m sure will cause major reactions. Some decisions are small though and are hardly noticeable. Things that felt insignificant turned out to create huge tidal waves, a true butterfly effect.

I’ve always been a huge proponent of, if your life sucks change it, you control it. Lately though, I’ve noticed I haven’t really been in control of my life. I work at a job I hate, I’m alone almost all the time and 2/3 of the people I care about have moved away. The career I want, isn’t located here in Charlotte. I’m tired of simply coasting along, living someone else’s life. I’m ready to be someone and I’m ready to take a chance. A chance that might either have devastating consequences or… Maybe it would be the best thing I’ve ever done. Either way I’m ready to take any and all risks to find out.

Often times we miss little opportunities to do something different and time pulls everything away from us. Many years later we’re left wondering what could have been. That’s the funny thing about opportunities they seem so small and insignificant, like they can be replaced later on. Then things begin to pile on and before you know it, you have bills and responsibilities. That little insignificant opportunity now has you stuck, you’re six feet deep and everyday you get a little deeper.

All is not lost however, sometimes we can create opportunities. We can force our fate to change, dig our fingers into the mud and crawl out of that hole. I’m about to do that myself. I’m launching a fundraising campaign for a fan film of Mass Effect the video game. I’m using kickstarter.com to hopefully raise up to 5,000 dollars. Every cent would go into creating costumes, props and purchasing equipment needed. I’m very passionate about the Mass Effect series and I know I’ll do it justice. I’m also hoping the fan film will get my channel a little more subscribers so that I can be a filmmaker full time; Which would be a dream come true. I’ll write more details soon about the Mass Effect film, I just wanted to state that I’m forging my own path and if this attempt fails then I will relocate and continue to pursue. I’m not going to give up again, despite the consequences.

-Terry Wingate II