26 Down and We’re Set On Spin Cycle

I think there comes a time in everyone’s life were they have to make a choice. A choice to live a simple, content life or to take a risk and chase your dreams….

My job consumes a majority of my time, spending between 40 to 60 hours a week in a manufacturing plant. This job has barely any benefits, aside from health insurance. With its menial tasks I just find myself dreaming all day long. (12 hour shifts BTW) I’m barely making ends meet and I’m spending so much time doing it. It doesn’t make sense for me to continue this when my heart is another place.

All my life I’ve dreamed of being someone special, someone important. I dreamt I’d find true love and we’d take the world by storm. Our hopes and dreams would shape the young and it’d be something they looked up to. When I was little I was constantly on the computer editing animated music videos and I would always have family members telling me I’d grow up to be rich…. Fast forward 15 years and I was met with a much harsher reality….

Nothing is easy and everyone is only looking out for themselves. Jobs only hire their friends or people of a different ethnicity or gender to appear “fair.” Love isn’t what I thought it would be either, people lie and cheat. Most women are attracted to the alpha male archetype, which if you know me, I clearly am not.

People are also batshit crazy, religion is nuts and adults are just as lost and confused as I was growing up. No one has all the answers and there is always someone trying to take advantage of the innocent. My point is, life isn’t what I expected it to be.

So what do people do about it? Absolutely nothing. Sure there are some people who what change and they talk about it. But, what really becomes of who we wanted to be when we crash against adulthood? What happened to everyone’s inner child who just wanted to have fun and would daydream about the way things should be? We get so caught up in life and before we know it we’re caught in a cycle of never ending disappointment. At least from my inconsequential little viewpoint it’s always disappointing. That’s why I tend to take nothing seriously anymore. I imagine how something like a past due car payment would effect me as a kid, I simply wouldn’t care. What matters to me is the dreams we had and how difficult it is, in this harsh adult world to make them come true. Don’t forget who you were and what you held dear. Deep down everything you cared about still matters, when you were innocent life had endless possibilities. So let’s all be kids again.

Bound (A Short Story)

This is my first attempt at writing a short story. Please forgive any spelling or grammatical mistakes, please let me know what you think and thank you, I hope you enjoy

Bound

There hadn’t been any noise for a while, lying still and holding my breath just to make sure. I was somewhere dark, there was no light anywhere. But I could feel a draft on my cheeks as my face pressed against the wooden floor. My hands were bound and my legs tied together. I haven’t a clue how I got here or how long I’d been unconscious. I rolled over to my side attempting to try to sit up and when I did I hit my head on a ceiling. My hands were tied behind my back so I rolled back over on my stomach and arched my back to press my hands against the ceiling, trying desperately to figure out how bad my situation was. Feeling nothing but wooden planks, I laid back down, feeling helpless, lost and confused.

My mind could only focus on one thing, the breeze. Air cool and calm, I was definitely indoors somewhere. Though it was probably somewhere that didn’t have any insulation, the air felt fresh. I tried to smell something but, it seems I had my nose broken and the only thing I could smell was blood. I wasn’t panicking which was strange, I had a sense of calmness about everything. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I couldn’t remember anything. My head hurt tremendously, aching from the top and I desperately wanted to touch it just to find out if I had an open wound, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even remember my name, where I was born or how old I was. Just a blurry vision of a dock, I could vaguely remember the sound of the ocean and then there was this old building. It was then that I noticed someone was sobbing softly.

“Hello?” I whispered. “Is anyone there?”

It sounded like a girl, “hello?” she whispered. I could hear despair in her voice.

“Where are we?” I replied.

“I don’t know… I was kidnapped.”

“How long..”

“Shh! He’s coming..” She whispered quickly.

Who was coming? I didn’t like the desperation in her voice, though obviously whoever HE was, wasn’t good considering our situation. I heard a slam, then a click and suddenly I could see where the breeze was coming from. I was in a coffin! There was a vent at the top where my head was and I could see that the coffin was covered with a blanket. Just then the ambiguous man pulled the blanket off the coffin and then he flipped it over. I was slung inside, from my stomach and landed on my back, crushing my hands. I couldn’t help but let out a yelp due to the pain.

“Ahh, I see you’re awake.” He said. His voice loud and confident, it had a guttural deepness to it, with an accent.

“How did you find me?” He asked.

Problem was I didn’t remember a thing, whatever blow I had received to the back of my head left me sort of… Well, with no memory.

“I am patient man, girl. But I am curious one.” He paused for a moment then I heard a beep, which sounded like a cell phone.

“Your name is Marlene,” I could tell he was reading from the phone, my phone. At least I know my name again. “Benton, Marlene Benton. Are you cop Benton?” He asked in broken english.

“I… I don’t remember…” I said.

He roared with laughter, “I must’ve hit you to hard Benton! Well, Like I said I am curious man. You had gun and you were snooping around. Silly girl putting her nose where it doesn’t belong.” He laughed again, a voice so deep it almost sounded like he was coughing. “So I broke your nose!”

I heard a loud slam, then it sounded like medal scrapping against concrete. “Lets take a closer look at you Benton.” He said as he slammed what seemed like a crowbar into the side of the coffin, coming within inches of my face. He pried it open with ease, flinging the wooden cover off revealing a blinding light. As my eyes adjusted I could see him, he must have been over six feet tall with an extremely muscular build. He reached in and picked me up by my shirt, he dropped the crow bar and then flung me out of the coffin. I landed hard on my right side crushing my hip and arm. I felt a pop in my shoulder, it went out of it’s socket. I screamed in pain.

“Very pretty girl, shame.” I could almost hear pity in his voice. Like he wasn’t happy about what he was going to do to me. Despite the shocking pain coming from my right arm I was observing the room. The girl who must have been 17 was chained underneath a wooden staircase and locked in a make shift cell, four feet behind me. There were six windows about eight or nine feet high, too high for me to reach. The room filled with wooden barrels and metal scrap. The man made his was over to me and lifted me up again. I could feel the fabric in my shirt slightly tearing as he hoisted me to meet his eyes.

“You are not dressed like cop.” He said as he reached around grabbing at my back pockets, looking for identification. There was nothing. He threw me again, this time I slammed against the make shift cell where the girl was kept. I landed hard on my ass, which sent a shock up my spine and knocked the air out of me. I could only grit my teeth in pain as the man marched over to me. Suddenly the 17 year old girl behind me whispered something.

“Don’t fight him… he likes it when you fight.” She whispered.

I turned to look at her and… HER EYES WERE GONE!!! They looked like they were gouged out of her head. Dry blood was all over her face, it couldn’t have been long ago that this poor girl was attacked. I looked back at the monster responsible and when I did all I saw was a quick motion from his hand, before everything went black again.

My head was throbbing and I was cold. I tried to touch my head but I was chained by my wrists. I opened my eyes and I could see I was in a different room. Looking left and right trying to find that man, he was in another room, talking to someone, I just couldn’t see where he was. I was chained on a metal slab, almost like a surgical bed. My arms chained upwards, which was killing my dislocated shoulder and my legs were chained apart, I was laying in an ‘X’ pattern. The most alarming thing was I was almost completely naked. Only wearing a grey tank top, which was soaked in blood and I was in my underwear.

I could barely look down enough to see my feet and the chains didn’t look like they would come off easily. I tried lifting them, over and over, I could feel like my right leg had a little bit more room to move. Suddenly I could bring my leg all the way up, the man had made a mistake. This methodical and confident man made a single mistake, I have to make this count. I tried lifting my other leg but I couldn’t, it was chained down tight. I tried twisting my ankle trying to get it out of the lock and I could almost get it out. If I could just pull and twist it hard enough, maybe I could… I GOT IT!! I now had both my legs free, It’s time to start working on my hands. Just then I heard the man’s voice, low and in broken english getting louder.

“…You can come pick her up tonight.” He said, He was getting closer.

Looking up at my right hand I could see the metal digging into my skin, I was bleeding, but that didn’t stop me from pulling as hard as I could. It was hard to do anything because that arm was still dislocated but I could feel it inching out of it’s lock, my blood being the lubrication helping it get free.

“I’m going to have some fun with her before you get here,” He laughed. “Be on time my friend.” I heard him stand up and his footsteps were getting louder. I quickly went back into position the way I was chained up. Hoping he wouldn’t notice them off of me. I had one chance to make my move, I need to wait until he gets close enough. I heard a door slam and it sounded like he was walking down some steps.

“Are you awake girl?” he asked.

“Been waiting on you, ugly,” I said. He laughed.

“Looks like I’m going to have to break that mouth of yours too.” I could see him now, walking past my right side. He stopped about at my waist and was looking me up and down, I felt disgusted to have this monster looking at me like that. I knew what he was planning, he was going to rape me and based on his phone conversation, I think he is going to sell me to someone. So I don’t think he’ll rough me up too bad, but that thought didn’t make it any easier.

“You’re a monster,” I said, spitting in his face. He only smiled and wiped off the spit. He reach over and started touching my breast, I twisted away from him to knock his hand away as best I could. He laughed again and started walking down towards my feet. Every second seemingly lasting forever, my only thought was: “please don’t look at the chains.” His eyes seemed focused on my body, looking at my crotch and my chest. He then started to climb on top of the metal slab I was laying on, inevitably to claim his prize but, I was ready. I waited until he had his head right above my waist then I pulled my right leg to the right, to gain momentum and I slammed my knee into his temple. He flew off the table.

Yanking on my right arm and screaming in pain until I finally pulled it free. All I had was one arm still chained. I kicked the slab I was laying on and rolled backwards off of the table. It twisted my only good arm but I didn’t care, he was getting up off the floor, slowly… But I knew I didn’t have much time. I was frantically looking around for anything that I could use to defend myself and to break free from the last chain. To my right there was nothing of any use, just a cart full of scalpels and other surgical equipment. On the left there was a crowbar lying on the ground, I lunged towards it but my arm was still dislocated and dangling by my side. By this time the man was on his feet shaking his head, I could tell he was still trying to gather his senses.

I slammed my shoulder into the metal slab knocking it back into place, letting out a shriek as I felt it come back to life. He was beginning to move towards me, I twirled around to extend my hand as far as I could and grabbed the crowbar. He swung at me but I ducked just in time, I felt the air go right over my head. I stepped back and swung as hard as I could, knocking him again in the temple and he toppled over. I was breathing so hard and my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest. There was no time to waste, I took the crowbar and shoved it into the lock, twisting, turning and trying to pry myself loose. He started groaning, I stepped back and put the heel of my foot into his rib cage as hard as I could. I did it again and again, until he stopped making any noise.

I stopped and took a breath, looking at the chain closely I saw a small crack in another chain link. I placed the crowbar in the link and pried it until it broke. I was free! Looking around the room I could see where the man came from, It looked like an office up on the second floor with large stained glass windows. I made a break for it, running barefoot, my ankles aching from forcing them out of the chains. I couldn’t stop though, there was no time for pain. It wouldn’t be long before the man was back in pursuit. I reached the room and there was a desk with a telephone on it, the walls covered in pictures of other girls. Each of them naked, some of them looked like they were cut open. This man was truly sick… I grabbed the phone and then I realized I still don’t know where I am or how I got here… I dialed 911 and then I heard his voice.

“I love it when they fight back, you move like cop Benton,” He said, I could hear him spitting up. There was no time to talk to the police so I left the phone off the hook, hoping they could trace the call. There was a door outside of his office and I made a run for it, glancing at him to see where he was and he was already at the bottom of the stairs. I slung the door open and it was the room with the coffin. I ran down another flight of stairs and glancing over at the blind girl I saw her jump back in the shadows of her make shift cell. I was frantically looking around, not for a place to hide but, somewhere I can strike him from. To my left there was about six or seven large crates and metal scrap built up on top of them. Around that there were the windows I saw from earlier and then I saw it, the door. A door that I was sure would lead me to freedom but, I can’t leave the girl. I dashed to the door and kicked it open, then I made my way to the crates and wedged myself between a few of them. The metal scrap was hanging over my head and I was pretty well hidden. Just then his voice, that guttural, disgusting voice began again.

“Did you leave Benton? I was just starting to have fun,” he said. I could hear him coming down the stairs breathing heavily. I was maybe three feet from the door and I could barely see it from my hiding spot.

“Girl!” He shouted. I heard him slam something metal against the make shift cage. “Did you see Benton leave?” He said laughing. This man was a monster and I’m going to enjoy shoving this crowbar into his neck. I could hear him walking closer, and suddenly I could see him. He was standing at the door looking out, he stepped out to look left and right. Now was my chance, I quickly squeezed out of my hiding spot being careful not to make any noise and I charged towards him. Just as he closed the door he turned to look at me and the shock in his eyes felt so good, as I crushed the side of his face with the crowbar. He dropped hard and blood was pouring out of his cheek.

I flipped him over and he was knocked out cold, on his belt he had handcuffs, which I am assuming was for me. I took them and handcuffed him onto the wooden frame of the door, then I pulled on it to ensure he couldn’t break free if he woke up. I stood up and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. It was over… But… It wasn’t… How did I get here? Who am I? Who was this man and who did he talk to about selling me? I found myself walking over to that make shift cage with the blind girl. She was cowering in a corner, unsure about what had happened. I leaned in closely…

“It’s ok… You’re safe now.”

That Kid with Delusions Of Grandeur

2011 was a decent year for my YouTube channel Ghost Nova. I started it back up again mainly because I was recovering from a heartbreak and needed to get my mind off of it. So I filled my time with film related projects. It started off kind of slow, making one video every other month. But I was beginning to reignite my passion, my love for filmmaking and chasing dreams came back to me.

Slowly I was creating a vision for my channel, a vision for my future. That vision will take me on a wild journey, from ghettoville, North Carolina to possibly all over the world. You see my dream of becoming a filmmaker doesn’t end with YouTube. I’m a dreamer and I don’t think I’ll ever stop chasing something.

I think I first imagined that I would do something special with my life when I was a kid. I remember always doing odd things that the other kids never did. I was making/directing my brothers and I when we were playing with toys (on camera) when I was 8! Made my first film when I was 10! I was editing on my computer for hours at a time, when I was supposed to be doing homework. I would have family members tell me that I was gonna be rich one day. Although it never was about the money but, that did give me the sense that I would do something great.

Every job I’ve ever had would approach me about moving up in the company but, I would always have this underlying feeling that I wasn’t going to be there forever. I would soon move on, eventually though I would land in a job that would sustain my lifestyle. Then I lost my way and that feeling, began to feel more like a curse. I remember telling people I worked with that it felt like a caged tiger clawing at the inside of my head trying to get out. Trying to be something, trying to LIVE. Over time I would break down and let that creativity out but, it’s never been enough. Every time I make a video I feel so accomplished, especially when I complete the edit and post it.

So you may ask…. Terry, you’re 26 and you haven’t accomplished anything significant, what’s taken you so long to get motivated? Well my friend you have a point. I haven’t done anything truly significant yet. I’ve wasted so much of my time, making excuses and waiting for everything to be perfect. I’ve always tried to include my brothers into my dream. However I’m quickly realizing this has been one of my bigger mistakes. They enjoy working on the projects with me, but a lot of times it’s like pulling teeth to get them motivated. It’s mostly my fault for waiting on someone else before I began my quest… But that’s the past and I’m ready now more than ever. Also waiting on the stars to align is a failed strategy too. Most people want things to go perfectly but, it just isn’t realistic. I’ve learned that in order to make something happen I just have to do it, regardless of that little voice of dissent telling me it’s not right. Just DO it, like Nike! Make it happen captain! Be there or be square…? Ok I’m running out of motivational catch phrases but you get the idea.

My vision for my future doesn’t end with just one thing, I plan on doing lots of different things. When I move out to California later this year (some time in April) I intend on pursuing acting, writing, directing, being involved with anything In film, writing a novel, Vlogging and making YouTube videos all at the same time. I’m fully aware of the odds of success, I know they’re slim. What you have to understand is, I’ve already hit the bottom. I currently live in a ghetto, I make barely enough money to survive and I am completely unhappy. My motivation to succeed is huge, I cannot fail. If I do then I’m failing a very important person and I couldn’t bare to explain to her that I let her down. It’s gut-wrenching enough just to have explain to her that she can’t have new clothes right now or that she can’t go outside and play because it isn’t safe. (I live in a terrible neighborhood for kids). So now you know the motivation behind that kid with delusions of grandeur…. And you know why he won’t fail.

2011: A Year to Rise Above My Depression

2011 started off for me with a whimper… Heart broken and the only thing I had to look forward to was getting my very first apartment with just me and my little girl. 2010 ended with me ringing in the new year with some old friends. The night of course ended with a little drama between friends, patching up egos and whatnot. So I spent the rest of the night alone, which is fine with me. I’m used to being alone.

Once I got my apartment I was overwhelmed with amount of things I had to do in order to turn it into a home. You’d be surprised at how many little items you need for day to day life. I now cannot live without napkins. I remember telling my mom as a kid “PSSHHHH napkins are for girls! Men have PANTS!!” but, now that I have to wash my own clothes that option isn’t valid… I hate washing clothes….

I’ve learned that I have many flaws, from depression to pure laziness. Sometimes I find myself getting depressed for no reason at all, my mind would simply tell me “you can’t do anything right, you’re alone because no one likes you. You’re a mess and no one wants to clean you up.” My heartbreak had a little to do with that aspect I believe. Long story short, I wasn’t “chosen” because I had nothing to offer. Hitting rock bottom several times during 2011, completely alone and broke. I never could quite figure out an effective method of fighting off that depression. Sometimes cleaning my apartment, then sleeping it off would help, waking up bright and early to an immaculately cleaned place is helpful. Other times I would go to bed around 8 or 9 P.M. Then I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed until 2 or 3 P.M. The next day.

There were times when I felt ugly, fat, dirty, pathetic and an utter failure. Working at a job I hated and barely making enough money to survive in the worst of the ghettos in Charlotte. How could one not feel that way? How could I rise above these feelings and take charge? Slowly I began to realize that all of my flaws In my life were there because I LET THEM GET THAT WAY!! I made poor decisions in my life and I let myself think that I couldn’t change any of it. That I was destined to be overweight and that I was never going to experience true love ever again… Eventually I learned that I control my mind and body… Such a simple thought allowed me to get myself outta bed at 7AM when I didn’t need to, it allowed me to smile confidently at a girl that I thought was breathtakingly beautiful. Controlling how I think and what I eat is taking me where I want to be.

Fighting depression alone can be a difficult thing, especially when I flat out refuse any type of medical treatments. I’ve learned that I’ll have highs, where I feel like I can do anything and then the lows which damn near make me suicidal. Lately I’ve been attacking my depression the way I handled being heartbroken. I drown myself in the work that I love to do. Filmmaking, writing and being creative. That’s my outlet, if I’m feeling depressed for no reason, then I feel more capable of writing a character who is beyond that. It’s just the way I do it. If you’re battling depression and you prefer to do it alone, it’s possible. Just don’t let yourself go down that suicide path. Remember you actually control your mind.

2012, despite supposedly being the end of the world, is going to be the greatest year of my life. I’m taking the biggest risk I’ve ever made and moving across the country to try to live out my dreams. I want to be a filmmaker, writer, director, actor and an entrepreneur. You only live once, why waste it doing something that doesn’t make you happy. I’m chasing my dreams, I hope to see you all doing the same.

T

The Saddest Thing

I wrote this little story about a year or two ago… It seems it’s still relevant for me today…

The Saddest Thing

I’m in a tunnel waiting for a train… I’m sitting by myself on a bench and there’s no one around for miles. Sitting here I can’t help but feel a longing for something, someone… Miles of emptiness I sit patiently waiting for you to come. Patiently waiting to fall in love again. The clock on the wall is winding down and it’s the same for my hour glass. Time is against me. I’ve been there before and it hurt me so very badly… But, now I’m healed and ready to go back. That’s why I’m waiting for my train to arrive, to take me there. I can’t help but feel as if it has forgotten about me. They say that in time it will come just to wait and you can’t find it if you look for it. Which makes the yearning sensation so much more intense. There is only so much a person can wait… I stand and walk to the edge to look down the tunnel. It’s quiet and there’s no light on either direction of the tunnel. The air is still as is my heart waiting for that right person to let it beat again. I turn around to look at the bench, thinking of everything… In waiting there is much pain and emptiness. The emptiness is vast and wide, dark and cold. In losing love… I feel it’s the same. But to find love… It would catch the walls of emptiness on fire. Light up the darkness and set ablaze the cold. To find love… Not to wait for it… But where would one look… Which direction in this tunnel, both seems the same on either side. In confusion I found myself sitting on the bench again, unknowingly… I realize now, that thinking of which action to take is no longer the same as acting. While I wonder these things I find myself waiting becoming the saddest thing…

Dreams Amongst The Stars

I had a pretty vivid dream a while back… This is what I remember…

I remember being on a spaceship, I’m not sure how I got there or who’s ship it was. I was there and I wasn’t alone. There was another person with me and for some strange reason I knew that person wasn’t good. I had to stop them (I say them because I do not remember the gender or even the species of that person) at all costs. I directed the spaceship into an asteroid field, where the razor sharp rocks shredded the ship.

After an explosion I was sent into space, there was an overwhelming feeling that I was going to die and I was ok with that. I could see the person sitting at the control, desperately trying to salvage the situation. Somehow I knew that person’s attempts would be in vain. I looked away as I was beginning to suffocate and I saw the spiral arm of the galaxy. A brilliance of purple and blue was shinning thru my final moments as I could only think about the beauty of it. As my blood began to boil from the lack of a pressurized atmosphere I awoke safely tucked in my bed.

All that had me thinking about the wonders of the universe and even the wonders of the human mind. There is so much that we don’t know, so much we can’t understand. The vastness of the universe and the near impossibilities we face to explore it. Without a doubt I know that it’s our duty, our responsibility to see everything that the universe has to offer.

I’m amazed at the human mind, its ability to drown my consciousness and make me believe I’m somewhere in space. The fan blowing on my face while I slept seemed to be nonexistent as I steered the spaceship to it’s end. My reality became my dream and my mind constructed the stage for it. It’s truly an amazing thing. So if you take anything away from this, I hope it’s that the universe is full of wonder. Take time to let it all in, breathe and appreciate that we’re all here…. We’re all alive.

Sifting Through The Ashes

A Poem:

A Mirage, An Illusion The Delirium You Have Caught

Need replacement for fire,
Someone to free you from desire.
She Wasn’t the person you thought.
A mirage, an illusion the delirium you have caught.
She wore a mask of lies,
you bought it all, I’m amazed you’re surprised.
She was most real when it came to being fake.
You made a mistake and gave her your heart to break
All your pain is healing,
As her mask begins to crack, its so revealing.

You’re left with questions as she parts,
was anything, a single second of it all from the heart?
were there times when she meant it
or was it all a fantasy, and you dreamt it.
Did she stay true and did she ever lie to you?
But you know… because of everything she put you through.
You must have been a game to her
the person you are, its a shame you had to learn.
The most painful lesson that can be taught
It was all just a mirage, an illusion the delirium that… I… have caught…

END

I wrote that poem almost 9 months ago, it’s strange it feels longer than that. I was in a bad place, heart broken and I felt deceived.

This of course was a failed relationship, a majority of it due to her part and my naivety. I always thought love was supposed to be a certain way and I guess sometimes it is. But in this case, it wasn’t. She lied and broke me, drained me of everything I was and the worst part is… I let her.

I think one of the true beautiful things about love is that you overlook the imperfections. You tell yourself, you love every bit of this person and you accept them for their flaws. After all, we all have our own flaws. That’s what this poem was about, being lost in the doubts of love. At the time it was a way to vent and I see now that I actually knew what would happen to us and went for it anyways.

I think you should always take a chance for love, if you feel it, make that leap. Sometimes you get hurt and other times it works out. You can’t let that fear of failure make you jaded, or let it make you settle for less than what you feel you deserve.

In these last 9 months I’ve let at least 3 relationship opportunities pass me by because I was too scared to open up. Too scared to let my guard down and let anyone in. It’s become a self-defense mechanism to run away from anyone who is interested in me. Don’t become that, fight those feelings and go for it. I’d like to think the right person is out there, someone so awesome they’ll get behind your walls without you even knowing it.

But, if I’ve learned anything about my failed relationships it’s always be honest with yourself. If a person has a HUGE character flaw that you KNOW will hurt you one day. Don’t overlook that, don’t settle for less. I do believe love is out there, but you certainly won’t find it sifting through the ashes. Keep your eyes and your heart open.